01/12/2009 19:21:49
Handling conflict with teens!
I’ve been telephone coaching a lovely mum from Newcastle who is really fed up with her two teenage kids arguing with her over her rules and boundaries.
As kids become more assertive, confident and confrontational it’s a natural reaction for some parents to match the behaviour and to become more assertive, more confrontational and more controlling but that is where, in my opinion, things can all go a bit wrong.
It’s about NOT matching that behaviour, it’s about recognising what’s happening and trying the new strategies and techniques of negotiating, discussing, and talking – and actually adopting a coaching based style where you listen, ask good questions and help your teen find their own answers - the time for telling is over when your kids hit the Teenage Zone! ( Trust me ....... I've got two of my own !!! )
One useful technique to adopt is the “I” Strategy start by saying something like:
1. When you…
“Come back later than we agreed……”
2. I feel…
“Worried, anxious, stressed….”
3. Because…
“Something might have happened to you…”
4. I would like…
“You to come home at the agreed time”
This technique is very clear about how you feel and what you would like to see happen but it keeps the lines of communication open and helps build bridges not those terrible walls between you.
So why not both try this really simple but really effective technique as it is very successful with lots of parents in my experience and let me know how you get on!
1. When you ....................
2. I feel....................
3. Because...................
4. I would like .....................