09/02/2010 11:10:31
My Secrets to Well-Behaved Kids Workshop
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out!”
~ Erma Bombeck
Are you struggling to bring up well- behaved kids?
Are you constantly exhausted and worn out trying to get your kids to do as they are told?
Are you battling with poor behaviour?
Do you find yourself regularly shouting all the time and feeling guilty about it afterwards?
And how often do you wake up like Mary Poppins but go to bed as Cruella de Vil?
Sound familiar?
Discipline ! The bane of every parent’s life but it needn’t be like this …. honestly!
Well help is at hand. I can put you back into the driving seat and help you develop happy, confident, well – behaved kids quickly and easily.
Do you want to know one of the simplest secrets to disciplining your child?
Consistency.
That’s it!
You send a message that you can't be relied on if you constantly use empty threats, keep on changing your mind or let your child live with broken promises.
So the first rule of thumb for a happier, well-behaved child is:
Being Consistent
So what does being consistent mean?
It means being clear about your expectations and always handling the same behaviour in the same way. For example if your child throws his toys at another child who’s come round to play and you say “No” firmly, then remove them from the toys for a few minutes: they’ll get the message and make the connection over time if you keep doing the same thing . Or your teenager keeps forgetting their keys and you lock them out for 15 mins and don’t rush down to let them in they’ll soon remember to take their keys the next time!
Consistency avoids confusion because your children know how you are going to react and it gives them a sense of security and familiarity.
But being consistent takes energy because sometimes you are tired, in a bad mood or busy and you feel like letting your kids “get away with it;” but over time this erodes your authority and then you can over react to something minor and everyone is confused and upset.
Your job is to guide, nudge and steer your kids in the right direction but it requires lots of hard work if you are to really succeed, so you need to have lots of energy, be very clear about what is and isn’t acceptable to you and stay centred when they cry, shout, sulk or throw a tantrum (No matter what their age!)
You have to remember that your mother-in-law, neighbours, family, friends, your children’s teachers and society as a whole will thank you for raising well-behaved children, not monsters or aliens!!!
I’m always using this analogy but I think it’s a good one - an aeroplane is 90% off course throughout most of its journey and needs constant gentle adjustment to keep it on course to arrive at its destination safely.
Think of your kids as the aeroplane needing a gentle nudge in the right direction, a gentle word, a guiding hand not a nagging, criticising judgemental, shouting voice. It's a tough experience growing up!
One of the big frustrations of being a parent is the daily struggle to get our kids to behave in ways that are acceptable to us and to society. A great deal of parenting energy goes into getting them to take a bath, say “thank you” hang up their clothes, do their homework or help around the house.
We want courtesy, cleanliness, order and routines and they couldn’t care less!
The more we insist - the more they resist!
So take a few minutes and think about what’s really important to you.
• Why it’s important to set boundaries and to defend them
Children like to know where they stand. So routines, boundaries and structures give children security and help them understand what acceptable behaviour is. Through following and accepting your limits children learn autonomy and self control which is a crucial life skill.
As soon as you feel that your child is old enough start talking to them about your rules and limits and start explaining why you have them and what you expect from them. This gives children an understanding about where you’re coming from.
Be a great role model and follow your own boundaries and rules - there’s no point in insisting that your child eats all their vegetables if you just tuck into your chips and leave your carrots !!! Or you deny them TV time while you sit and devour your favourite show!
Your consistency is really the key to success - every time your child pushes the perimeter fence - push back making your limits crystal clear. Give a sanction, take away a privilege, or reward the good behaviour but keep your messages consistent. They get the message eventually!!
I remember hearing this story, when I was training to be a teacher, about the sheep in a field.
In the first field there was a very tight pen, and the sheep felt very restricted and held back within such a close boundary. He felt stifled. In the second field there were no boundaries at all, and the sheep was absolutely terrified. He had no protection. In the third field he had a safe, consistent boundary that allowed him some independence and freedom and it was flexible as he got older.
I thought it was a simple but thought provoking analogy.
So, which field are you creating for your child?
• Hijackers to defending your boundaries
It’s often hard to set boundaries and there are many reasons for this - take a look at this list and tick what you identify with:
- Too tired
- Too busy
- Confused about what’s right
- Lacking support
- Finding it overwhelming and all too much
- Feeling guilty
- Worried about lots of other things
- Feeling angry
- Lacking in confidence
- Feeling like it’s all too much hassle
- Lacking in energy
- Feeling that you were too disciplined as a child and you don’t want to repeat that experience for your child.
Fact: Your children need to know how far they can go.
Fact: Knowing their boundaries makes children feel secure
Fact: Boundaries keep children safe
Fact: Boundaries teach children to respect other people and other people’s property
Fact: Boundaries teach children self control
Fact: Boundaries help children develop into responsible adults
Parents and partners need to back each other up and present a united front as this is a key skill in setting loving limits and maintaining this key ingredient of a positive and warm parent-child relationship. Of course this can be difficult where one of you leans more towards the controlling scale of things and the other leans towards the more relaxed, chilled-out style. But with a positive attitude, an awareness of the bigger picture and a good old fashioned chat about your different ways, a balance can be struck to help your kids get the best of both worlds.
• What things are acceptable to you
So take a few minutes and think about what’s really important to you.
I think it’s helpful to actually sit down and think about the behaviour you want from your children and the behaviour you don’t want. Then you are clear about where you are going. Every family is slightly different and that’s fine, but unless you know in your own mind about what is and isn’t acceptable your kids don’t stand a chance!!
Get a piece of paper and jot down in great detail the behaviour that you want to see from your child - think of lots of different scenarios like, out with friends, sitting in a restaurant, doing as you ask, when your children have friends over, doing school work, etc
Focus clearly on visualising what they are doing, saying and how you are feeling in this perfect scenario.
Then focus on what you don’t want to see.
• What things are not acceptable to you
Many parents that I work with feel they should instinctively “know” how to control or manage their child’s behaviour, that somehow it should be “natural” to them. Well, on my literature there is a saying “because kids don’t come with a handbook” as most parents have never had to manage another person’s behaviour before - and even if they have through their work, it’s not usually a child!
Children are a law unto themselves. There is a reason why actors say - “Never work with animals or children”
Write down here a list of the things that are absolutely not acceptable to you as a parent (perhaps you could do this with your partner too to be both going in the same direction) - try not to make the list endless as it can be too controlling and restrictive, but be very clear of things that you will definitely not accept: for me it’s spitting, biting, swearing and physically hurting.
Now you have a set of values that you can insist your children adhere to and once you all know where you are, life gets easier.
This list can be short or long but it clarifies exactly what are your core values - things that you are not prepared to waver on. It helps you to conserve your energy for the really important issues.
On my next “The Secrets to Well-Behaved Kids Workshop on March 20th from 10 – 4pm at The Bell Inn in Godstone in Surrey I’ll be looking at:
• Types of discipline
• Reasons for your child’s behaviour
• What to do when your boundaries are challenged.
• How to notice and reward good behaviour.
• Teaching your children about consequences.
• The ability to say “NO!”
• How to create some simple house rules and feel confident sticking to them.
• The Seven “C’s to Success:
1. Being Certain
2. Being Confident
3. Being Consistent
4. Being Calm
5. Being Caring
6. Being Careful
7. Being Creative
ALL you need to know to bring up a happy, confident, well-behaved child from toddler to teen.
Managing your child’s behaviour takes hard work, persistence, dedication, a sense of perspective and a healthy sense of humour but with time and effort you will succeed. It's all about your confidence !
Expect the best from your children, get the basics right, stay positive and they will grow up well mannered and well behaved - adults to make you proud.
So why not join me by clicking here to reserve your place now and hurry to get the Early Bird Discount of £129.50 before 14th February and sort ot this problem once and for all so you can enjoy your kids again !
Words to Tell Your Children When They're Older.
"I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would come home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room - a job that would have taken me 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you assume responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh.
They almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say" no” when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of them all.
I'm glad I won them, because in the end, you won something, too."
~ Author Unknown.